Social Hierarchy of A Zumba Class

Hello, my name is Sarah Hartshorne... and I Zumba. I read somewhere that memorizing a choreographed physical routine is 10x better for preventing Alzheimer's than crossword puzzles, so I started taking Zumba classes. For a while I think I pulled off doing so ironically, until this week.

Somehow... I crossed a line. I'm not sure how it happened but all of a sudden at my last class I noticed people looking to me to figure out the routine. And when the instructor asked how we were all doing....

I whooed. 

That's right. As in the "whooo!" one does at a concert or a sporting event or somewhere equally cool. I made that sound, along with a bunch of other people in tight, elastic-y clothing, at a Zumba class. I expect to receive a letter in the mail any day announcing that I will not be allowed in Brooklyn until I complete 10 Enthusiasm Management Classes and an Irony Apprecation Workshop.

In the meantime, however, I've learned that there is a clearly divided social hierarchy in Zumba classes and these are the divisions my research has revealed:

Gay Guys

They are the top of the pyramid and everyone knows it. 

They move the best, the have the most fun and everyone 

follows them when they can't see the instructors. But the 

truly best thing about them is how uncomfortable the Unfunny 

Straight Guys look as they realize whose lead they have to follow. 

Zumba Sluts

There are actually 2 types of Zumba Sluts but they're all

tan, have an entire wardrobe of cute workout clothes (as

opposed to a 3XL Morris Dancing Feast T-shirt and men's

running shorts) and wear makeup to class.These are the subcategories:

1) Young Zumba sluts: their expertise comes from 

dancing at the club and they want everyone to know it.

They bust into their own slutty little dances between

numbers lest anyone think their talents were limited to

Zumba. No one knows who they are trying to impress.

2) Middle-aged Zumba sluts: these women wear special

Zumba brand clothing, are ridiculously fit, and say things 

like, "why go to a club when you can Zumba?!" I am

tempted to suggest they ask their younger counterparts,

but that would draw attention to the fact that someone in 

in the world is younger than them and they really hate that. 

I once mentioned that I wasn't born when their favorite 

song came out and they almost ate me.

General Populace/Funny Straight Guys

This, I believe, is where I fall in the pyramid.

The funny straight guys don't mind taking

cues from the gay guys, acknowledge their lack of

rhythym and try to have a good time anyway. I think

the instructor's impeccable ass helps. A lot.

Neurotic Nancies/Unfunny Straight Guys

These are the guys who thought they'd be able

to pick up chicks and realize that that won't be 

happening, and the girls who are, "like, known for

 their dancing" and thought they'd be awesome at this

until they caught sight of themselves in the mirror. 

In short, anyone who takes themselves seriously is 

instantly relegated to the bottom of the pile.

And outside the pyramid, floating around in the periphery are 

The Ancients

Women who are all approximately 120 years old and spend the entire class just walking in place and waving their arms. The really ambitious ones alter their arm waves to vaguely resemble the instructor's movements. In my class we have the added bonus of having a crazy ancient who, in between numbers, shouts things like, "we all have wings of the Taco!" which is pretty great.