Friday, May 3, 2013

In Which the Author Does Not Quote Kanye

As I went to write this blog entry about the week of April 16th, I struggled to find an appropriate metaphor. Some people might wax poetic about silver linings and the good to be found in evil, blah blah blah.  The first thing I thought of was a Kanye quote* but that was a little weird. So I contemplated "crap sundae with the best possible cherry" or "shit storm with a fantastic calm". The point is, a lot of bad things happened that were eclipsed by something so awesome that, despite everything, I'll look back fondly on that week for the rest of my life.

Obviously, there was the bombing at the Boston Marathon. This was unacfuckingceptable. Frightening, terrible and unacceptable. Marathon Monday is for two things: running like a crazy person** and celebrating those crazy bastards with day drinking.  I think Colbert said it best:

Then there was my birthday. This was actually not a huge deal. There was the typical angst I've experienced every year on my birthday since I was 7 (I was a real hoot and a half as a kid), one glass of wine (I'm on a damn diet) and some lovely music and friends. There was also lots of looking at pictures of Helen Mirren to reassure myself about the onslaught of aging.

Then came the vomiting. Yup. The vomiting. Two and a half days of it. This was unacceptable.

Finally, I felt ready for solid food. So I ate an apple.

Then came the swelling of the face. Yup. Swollen face. Apparently, I am allergic to apples. As I stared into the mirror, watching my face contort with a morbid fascination, I may have said, "but it wath thuppothed to be my birthhhday!" (my tongue swelled up too).

But here's the thing: it wasn't really supposed to be my birthday. Not this year. There was a much more important birthday being had. That of my perfect, beautiful niece. Meet Calliope:

It's amazing what a birth can do. I mean, how crazy is it that this squishy ball of baby is going to learn and experience everything it is to be a human? Seeing her, I care a lot less about getting older and dying. I mean, I may be gone, but how great is it that she'll still be there to remember me? Babies really do bring all the hope and joy and crap that Louis Armstrong likes to sing about.

And yes, I've already ordered baby's first turban. And no, I'm not kidding. I'm Auntie Mame, bitch.

*Specifically this one: "this week's been a bad massage, I need a happy ending." Ok, so technically I quoted Kanye there, but I think you'll agree I'm still showing real restraint and growth. 
**Did you know that many marathon runners cross the finish line with bloody nipples? BLOODY NIPPLES. 

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Birthdays: Harbingers of Cake and Death

My birthday is next week, which is exciting because of cake but also crap because of the inevitable decay and decline into death. Pardon my grimness, I just came from the dermatologist*. Which is part of why this wishlist doesn't include any of the more practical things that I want for my birthday, like acting classes, because that's just not as pretty, you know? These are the kinds of presents that grownup classy ladies give and get. But then, grownup classy ladies don't get to eat ice cream at midnight in bed so I think we're about even.

Being comfortable and literate are two of my highest priorities.

A classic. 

For the girl who likes looking like a zombie at night and Cate Blanchet by day. 

So obsessed. I think it's because deep down I'm still the 13 year old girl who got made fun of at horse camp because I didn't have any clothes with my initials on them. Horsie girls are bitches.

  These Mugs
Classy, but a little weird.

Have a good week everyone!

*who recommended that to prevent aging I "quit moving my face so much." 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Bitch is Back

Good Christ, I am the worst blogger in the history of the world. You know how the longer you neglect a project/relationship/healthy habit the harder it is to get back into it? That's where I was at with this blog. But then a friend of mine asked why I hadn't been blogging lately and I muttered some excuses that I won't waste your time with, and she said to shut up and write, so here I am.

So! Hi! How are you? It's been a gazillion years! It's been so long that I had to change the header of this blog! I am no longer just outside the city, I'm actually in the city! And no one has ever been more excited to be inside anything since any teenage boy ever*.

Sometimes, when a person looks forward to something so much and for so long as I did, it can only end up being disappointing. This is so not one of those times. Living in the city has been so amazing I've cried from happiness about 6 times.  Luckily I was almost always alone and on my scooter, so I could blame the wind and the cold in my face**.

If you're looking for up-to-the-minute updates on my goings on, here is my Instagram, here is my Tumblr, here is my Twitter, and here is my website. Good Christ, that's a lot of fart jokes and cat pictures. To even things out, here is an Instagram feed made up entirely of puppy pictures! And since I no longer have moving, unpacking or really anything to use as an excuse, I resolve to be a better blogger henceforth. Unless, you know, Game of Thrones is on or something.

*That is a sex joke.
**If you ever get a chance to ride around NYC on a red and white polka dotted scooter listening to and singing Beyonce, I highly recommend it. There is literally no bad mood that it cannot shake. 

Monday, November 26, 2012

Holiday Hangover Prevention & Cures

Hangover Prevention Cures

Drinking to excess is bad. We all know that. It's painful, high in calories and often high in embarrassment as well. That said, the holidays are upon us and holidays bring parties, families, and stress. Throw it all together and you've got a super fantastic recipe for a hangover. Therefore I consider it my civic duty to share several tactics I've learned over the years to avoid and cure them. To be honest, I don't drink very much anymore* (despite my penchant for shiny barware, exciting bars and cocktail recipes) so several of these come straight from a doctor friend of mine who manages to have a vibrant social life despite working all the damn time, so they're tried and true.

Everyone knows the things you're supposed to do to prevent a hangover. Don't drink too much (duh), eat a meal heavy in carbs AND protein beforehand, and drink plenty of water. These work, but aren't always feasible. Although drinking a large glass of water with every drink is a really good and easy idea. So the rest of this blog entry is dedicated to those nights when prevention got thrown out with the twists and cherry stems.

1) Go out and buy a B vitamin supplement. Liquid is best, sublingual is ok, but regular tablets do next to nothing.

2) Before you go out, put the following items by your bedside or in your purse: an enormous glass of water, the vitamin B, 2 aspirin and a cracker or similiar small food item (preferably one that your cat won't eat. Which, if you are me, excludes popcorn, fruit and sourdough bread because Rue is a big, old freak).

3) When you wake up at the crack of dawn, in that weird in-between state where you're still drunk but already cranky, drink all of the water, then refill the glass for later. Eat the cracker, and then take the aspirin and the vitamin B. It's important to do it in that order because B vitamins can cause headaches if they hit an empty stomach. Go back to sleep.

That on its own will do wonders. But when you wake up later on, pinch one nostril closed, and take several deep, fast breaths into the other one. Do it on the other side. Then massage the sides of your nose and the front of your eye sockets, where your eyebrows are. Optional: nasal spray.

Everyone has their perfect hangover food, and it varies widely. The Boy, for example, starts every hungover morning by declaring, "living legend needs eggs." I tend to require carbs by the approximate truckload. I always say go with your gut when it comes to food, but here is a nutritionally perfect hangover breakfast, full of things that will replenish your system and prevent almost all of the terrible symptoms, so eat as many of these ingredients as is possible/pleasant.

Hearty white toast with butter and marmite
Scrambled eggs, salted
Optional: vegetable juice, wheatgrass shots, EmergenC, orange Gatorade.

I don't know why orange Gatorade is better than the other kinds, but the hangover Gods have spoken and it is so.

I hope this helps, and had at least a few tricks that were new to you. Did I miss any? Do you have any rituals that you swear by? Go forth and be merry. Hell, be overly merry if you want to.

*although if you remind me that I wrote those words when January 2nd rolls around I'll throw a leftover martini in your face.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Some Awesome for Your Week

This Website

It provides you with games that improve your memory, perception, and other mental skills. I am hope it to make me good with stuffs.

This Kitten Cam

via the Rachel Comey who, by the way, had an amazing collection this season. And it's for a good cause! All of these adorable little fuckers are up for adoption. Get one today and become as unnaturally obsessed with your cat as I am! This is only up temporarily, so if it doesn't work, here's another kitten cam. A backup kitten cam, if you will.
          Does this look like something a crazy cat lady would wear? Because this crazy cat lady would like to.
Rachel Comey Spring 2013
This Woman

I've been getting preeeetty comfortable up on my high horse lately, and everything that put me there has been related to fat shaming women. See Exhibit A, Exhibit B and Exhibit C*. There is so much wrong with it- the example it sets, the message it sends, the double standard it sets for women. It's a complex issue that I've thought about a lot, and will hopefully be writing about more in depth for a prominent plus-size publication (say that 5x fast). But what it comes down to is this: everyone of size is shamed to some degree, which is counter productive in the fight against obesity. But while men are encouraged to "get healthy" by the media, women are expected to become attractive for the benefit of the male gaze. It's sizist, sexist, and stupid.

And along that vein,

This Article
Written by my friend. I've posted this on Twitter, Facebook and pretty much declared it mandatory reading for everyone, but just in case you haven't seen it, here it is.

This Website

It's a great place to build your own shoes if you have really specific shoe needs for, say, a wedding or something. You know. Whatever. Your mom. Burn.

*I actually included Exhibit C because the comments are really interesting and provide a lot of different perspectives and very little trolling. The article is just sort of meh.