So, I thought I'd think back to a past weekend and offer some wisdom.
How to dress for the Super Bowl
a guide for the sports disinclined
1. Aim to incorporate as many items into your outfit that say, "I'm an American, goddamnit!" For example, corporate logos are a good way to show your support for the flagging economy.
2. Americans love guns.
3. Make sure to wear loose fitting garments, as you'll want to distract yourself with the snacks, of which there should be many. If you are somewhere where there are not lots of snacks, leave immediately.
In fact, I'm going to go ahead and add that to my repertoire of Life Advice: if there are not lots of delicious snacks where you are, leave.
4. Wear comfortable shoes. If, for example, you're a Patriots fan who has a long walk, a subway ride and a train ride home, you'll be surrounded by lots of drunk, adrenaline-fueled enemies. You may need to run.
Now, if a drunken Giants fan should approach you on the train, try and make your Sam Adams Boston lager clearly visible. Avoid eye contact, look disinterested and put your bag on the seat next to you. Then, if this fails, do what I did.
Motion for him to come closer. Smile. "No, closer."
Once you can smell his beery breath say, "Hey. Can I tell you something?"
Try to look as sweet, flirty and unassuming as possible as you say:
"I'm engaged, I'm a wicked bitch, and I'm from fucking Boston."