Social Hierarchy of A Zumba Class

Hello, my name is Sarah Hartshorne... and I Zumba. I read somewhere that memorizing a choreographed physical routine is 10x better for preventing Alzheimer's than crossword puzzles, so I started taking Zumba classes. For a while I think I pulled off doing so ironically, until this week.

Somehow... I crossed a line. I'm not sure how it happened but all of a sudden at my last class I noticed people looking to me to figure out the routine. And when the instructor asked how we were all doing....

I whooed. 

That's right. As in the "whooo!" one does at a concert or a sporting event or somewhere equally cool. I made that sound, along with a bunch of other people in tight, elastic-y clothing, at a Zumba class. I expect to receive a letter in the mail any day announcing that I will not be allowed in Brooklyn until I complete 10 Enthusiasm Management Classes and an Irony Apprecation Workshop.

In the meantime, however, I've learned that there is a clearly divided social hierarchy in Zumba classes and these are the divisions my research has revealed:

Gay Guys

They are the top of the pyramid and everyone knows it. 

They move the best, the have the most fun and everyone 

follows them when they can't see the instructors. But the 

truly best thing about them is how uncomfortable the Unfunny 

Straight Guys look as they realize whose lead they have to follow. 

Zumba Sluts

There are actually 2 types of Zumba Sluts but they're all

tan, have an entire wardrobe of cute workout clothes (as

opposed to a 3XL Morris Dancing Feast T-shirt and men's

running shorts) and wear makeup to class.These are the subcategories:

1) Young Zumba sluts: their expertise comes from 

dancing at the club and they want everyone to know it.

They bust into their own slutty little dances between

numbers lest anyone think their talents were limited to

Zumba. No one knows who they are trying to impress.

2) Middle-aged Zumba sluts: these women wear special

Zumba brand clothing, are ridiculously fit, and say things 

like, "why go to a club when you can Zumba?!" I am

tempted to suggest they ask their younger counterparts,

but that would draw attention to the fact that someone in 

in the world is younger than them and they really hate that. 

I once mentioned that I wasn't born when their favorite 

song came out and they almost ate me.

General Populace/Funny Straight Guys

This, I believe, is where I fall in the pyramid.

The funny straight guys don't mind taking

cues from the gay guys, acknowledge their lack of

rhythym and try to have a good time anyway. I think

the instructor's impeccable ass helps. A lot.

Neurotic Nancies/Unfunny Straight Guys

These are the guys who thought they'd be able

to pick up chicks and realize that that won't be 

happening, and the girls who are, "like, known for

 their dancing" and thought they'd be awesome at this

until they caught sight of themselves in the mirror. 

In short, anyone who takes themselves seriously is 

instantly relegated to the bottom of the pile.

And outside the pyramid, floating around in the periphery are 

The Ancients

Women who are all approximately 120 years old and spend the entire class just walking in place and waving their arms. The really ambitious ones alter their arm waves to vaguely resemble the instructor's movements. In my class we have the added bonus of having a crazy ancient who, in between numbers, shouts things like, "we all have wings of the Taco!" which is pretty great.

Things I Learned on Vacation

A Comprehensive List

1) When travelling to a Caribbean island, it is imperative to pack items of clothing embroidered with the names of other islands you have visited in the past. I missed the memo.

2) When slowly burning to a crisp on the beach, tanning goggles can speed up the human to lobster transformation.

3) The Boy is really afraid of the idea of human to lobster transformations.

4) No one looks sexy doing Latin Dance themed water aerobics, no matter how much the instructor yells, "sexy! sexy! sexy!"

5) The word, "sexy" when spoken with a heavy Dominican accent, sounds like, 'sessy'. This is hilarious.

6) I can no longer blame the weather for my crankitude levels. Turns out, if you cut me in line to the bar and are a douchebag to the bartender, I'm just as likely to hope he spits in your mojito in sunny, seaside paradise as in snowy New York.

Pictured: different bartender, different mojito.

7) Papaya salted with lime is a delicious breakfast.

8) The song 'Imagine' by John Lennon is nothing without Lennon's voice, studio musicians and Lennon's ability to speak English. And no amount of dancers in white leotards holding hula hops can change that.

It was...just awful.

9) When left to my own devices I will remain in large bodies of water for 80% of the day.

Pictured: different body of water, different awkward water-dweller.

10) Ice cream is also a delicious breakfast.

In No Particular Order, Part 2

Here are some ways to wear the trends I mentioned here without having to deal with a Marc Jacobs price tag. Of course, a lot of these trends can all be found at vintage stores and Goodwill, which is another of my favorite hunting grounds, especially the pleated skirts and hats.

But, for online shopping, my favorite shops at the moment are asos.com, beso.com (this site shows you any and everything that is on sale. It's amazing) and Modcloth. But I am definitely not an expert, because I tend to need to try something on before buying it.

1) Polka Dots

Clockwise from top: Dress, Nasty Gal $72.50, Shirt, L.L. Bean, $49.77, Shorts, Modcoth, $37.99

2) Jewel Tones

Clockwise from top right: Shirt, See by Chloe, $90.00, Pants, Lacoste, $79.99, Pumps, Steve Madden, $49.99

3) Wide leg pants

Clockwise from top: Satin Pants, Gianna & Orietta, $85.00, Navy Pants, Free People, $98.00, Silk Lounge Pants, Young, Broky & Fabulous, $60.00

I am definitely planning on wearing a pair of my big, billowy silk pajama pants out in public on purpose.

4) Interesting Knits

Clockwise from top left: Blanket Sweater: Willow & Clay: $33.97, Sleeveless Wrap, Willow & Clay, $64.97, Nomad Shawl, Kensie, $28.00

I love that Kensie shawl a whole lot. Also, if you're looking for a good classic but modern black sweater, this Burberry piece is on sale for $150 which is a lot to pay for a sweater but not a lot to pay for a Burberry cashmere sweater.

5) Flowy skirts

Clockwise from top left: Pleated chiffon skirt: Sparkle & Fade, $59.00, Vintage Skirt, Etsy, $38.00, Maxi Tiered Skirt, Blingstyle, $58.00

These are actually hard to find away from the big designer brands because the style hasn't quite trickled down yet. Or maybe I'm just fussy about my skirts because while long legs are great, they demand skirts at just the right length. But Etsy is a great resource for vintage clothes if you're not a fan of hunting yourself. How great is that sailboat print? I love.

6) (Faux) Fur Accents

Clockwise from top: fur mittens, Asos, $17.03, bomber jacket with fur shoulders, Rebecca Taylor, $143.17, Stole, Stevie Mac $51.99

This is a super easy and affordable trend to pick up on. I'm not crafty at all, but I think even I could pick up some fake fur at my local fabric store and attach it to a jacket. I probably won't, but it's a nice idea.

7) Hats

Clockwise from left: Fuschia Hat: Modcloth, $40.00, Bowler Hat, Asos, $44.83, Wide brim hat, Asos, $44.83

I tend to hat hunt on Ebay, because lots of times people will sell 4 or 5 at a time for a steal, but some people are squeamish about vintage hats. Look no further. Asos.com in particular has a hat section that makes me swoon.

8) White dress

Clockwise from top: Cape Dress, Asos, $80.69, Long Sleeve Mini, Free People, $138.00, Flowy Sleeveless Dress, Modcloth, $63.99

I am actually packing a white dress for an upcoming trip (details soon) and feeling very brave because of it.

In No Particular Order

Happy Superbowl Sunday!

It's Superbowl Sunday, which means nachos and beer and hotdogs. There's also a football game, but it doesn't count because the Patriots are not involved*.  Now, I love nachos. And I love beer. And I love men tussling over pigskin. But sometimes things get a little stupid this weekend. So, I thought I'd make up a little list of things that are smart and glamorous. Just to keep things even.

1) This bag

Wayuu Taya Bag

Good bag, good materials, good cause. Available here.

2) This woman

But it will not be all rock & roll, oui?

3) This necklace

Kate Spade Doodles Pen Necklace

Actually, this entire brand. Gorgeous planners, bright shoes and bags, quirky jewelry, yes please.

4) This blog.

Old Hollywood

Deep, dark, Hollywood. I love.

5) This man (and woman...sort of).

I love Kanye. Haters say what you will, but he's honest, constantly seeking to improve and a genius. And, yes, he yelled at a famous, gorgeous, legs-to-here blonde chick. Cry me a river, Swift. As for Gaga, I have mixed feelings.

6) This designer

Geek chic. On a whole other level.

So, I hope you all have an awesome day whether it involves football or not. But if it doesn't involve either nachos or beer, we probably shouldn't be friends. 

P.S. Been thinking about bringing back outfit posts. Thoughts?

*and, if they are involved, they are winning. Except for that one time with the Hair Plugged Wonder, but whatever. 

In No Particular Order

Last night was birthday parties, late night Swiss Family Robinson screenings, emergency tater tot runs and hilarity.

Today is bagels and lox, slowly sipped coffee and getting lost in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Tonight I think I'll sip some wine, clean my study, and stay up all night writing.

And now,
a few things I think are totally unnecessary and completely awesome.

1) This champagne.

Image Courtesy of Instyle.com

Delicious and DIY.

2) These slippers.

Image Courtesy of Streetzie's High Heels

Probably the silliest, least practical slippers I've ever seen. I want them. 

3) This umbrella.

Image courtesy of Opening Ceremony

How much would I love to have this on a rainy, Parisian day?

4) This... hat? Crown? Headdress?

Image courtesy of InStyle.com

Whatever it is, I like it.

5) These straws.

Image courtesy of Oh Joy!

Just when I thought milk couldn't get any better.

6) This charm.

Image courtesy of Tiffanys.com

How much do I love this?

Just a few things that tiptoe the line between extravagant and ridiculous.

In No Particular Order

The music that is currently rocking my socks off:

1) Kanye West, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Buy it, buy it now. It's gotten the highest possible rating from Rolling Stone, Pitchfork and anyone else with any sense. It's as good as they say, and how often is that the case?

2) Florence & The Machine, Lungs
I know I'm about 6 years behind the times on this one, but her voice is killer, the instrumentation is haunting and it has great running music on it.

3) Peggy Lee, Greatest Hits
If you have a low voice, like singing in the shower and feeling like a badass, this is for you.

4) Janella Monae, Archandroid
Also great running music, and she is a pint-sized bottle of awesome.

5) The Jackson 5 Christmas Album
Shut the hell up. It's awesome.

Merry Christmas, Zombies

Sooo... I have an obsession that I've kept seperate from this blog, because it's weird and a little gross. It also brings out a side of me that, I'm told, is less than pleasant. I can't remember when it started, but a long, long time ago I became...obsessed with zombies. Too obsessed to even be embarrassed. I have a plan, a compound, and a list of people who can come.

At any rate, if you don't watch the Walking Dead, you should probably skip this post. Sorry. If you're not obsessed with zombies, you should probably skip it too. Or get obsessed.

Things I Learned from Walking Dead

1) Binoculars are an essential part of every survival kit. Obviously, I know someone has to be on watch at all times, but I hadn't thought of binoculars.

2) Crossbow is a super, extra, awesome weapon that I should probably learn how to use right now. I thought I thought of every weapon: machete, shotgun, baseball bat, shovel, ax (although use caution, because they get stuck). But the crossbow is almost perfect: quiet but deadly. If they make ones that reload automatically I'm so sold.

3) Horses are good, if only because zombies will eat them instead of you if you play your cards right*. I am very pro-car in apocolyptic situations, but I am now open-minded to horses.

4) The tiny nerdy/geeky** ones are worthwhile. Obviously, tech skills and quick minds are important skills to have, but before watching Walking Dead I'm not sure I'd let this guy on the compound.

Image courtesy of AMC.com

5) Personalities matter. Despite my belief that the zombie apocolypse is a feasible event, I'm pretty optimistic. I figured that if someone had useful life skills, any personality quirks would be dealt with or eradicated. New rule: no racists, homophobes, sociopaths or people who really, really annoy me. That's a good rule for life, actually.

Things I Would Teach (the characters)
of Walking Dead

1) Unless you actually see the body, do not assume your spouse is dead. Therefore, do not have sex with someone else. And if they are dead, try and wait at least a month before having sex with his best friend. That's another good rule for life.

2) Don't be squeamish about shooting kids. Zombies are zombies are smaller, faster zombies. Nip that shit in the bud.

3) Tin cans are good alarms in a pinch. Razor wire with bells over a ditch are better. Do the work, reap the rewards. Also, dogs are good too.

4) STAY AWAY FROM CITIES. If you are surviving in the styx, stay there. If you're in the city, leave.

5) When you're surrounded by flesh eating zombies in a ransacked city, for the love of God, take shit. It's not looting, you weiners, it's taking shit that you need or even want.

*I love horses. I would never advocate eating a horse unless the only other option was being eaten myself.
**I know there is a difference between these words that is all-important and it's super insulting to confuse a nerd with a geek. Whatever.

In No Particular Order

A list of women that helped shape and influence me.

1) Patti Smith*

Her book, her songs, her cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit, her self.

2) Carol Burnett

She is the reason I am the way I am. She is the funniest woman on the planet.

3) Tina Fey

Because she is awesome. To see her being awesome, click here.

4) Marilyn Monroe

Recently I've shied away from her because of the sad girls of my generation following in her unsteady footsteps. But she was more than a tragic figure: she was funny, curvy and a brilliant actress.

5) Marlene Dietrich

She was a grandmother when this was taken.
Androgynous sexpot extraordinaire. World's sexiest grandmother.

7) Amelia Earhart

I got an antique piece of luggage from the Amelia Earhart collection, which led to a lengthy Wikipedia binge. The suitcase may need to go through several voodoo anti-jinxing rituals before I'll bring it on a plane, but I'm awfully glad I got to learn so much about this extraordinary woman.

8) Rosa Parks

Did you know she wasn't just pivotal in the Civil Rights movement but also in bringing rapists to justice? Check it out.

9) Holly Golightly

Diamonds, aging, friends. This character inspired the hell out of me from the screen and the page.

10) Eugenie Clark, the Shark Lady

She helped me remember that smart girls are cool in the face of bullies.


Thank you.

*Did I already say that? I'm getting blogger's deja vu.

Sunday and other favorites

No Pants Day

Today has been lazily sipping coffee and nibbling on cantalope while perusing the Sunday Times. Sunday or, as I like to call it, No Pants Day, is just my favorite. Everything is better and a little lazier at the end of the weekend.

So I thought I'd list a few more of my favorite things in the spirit of Sunday. Also because I just really, really, love lists.

1) Guacamole


Definitely the best dip. Here's my and my mom's recipe for what most everyone who tries it says is the best guacamole out there.

1 avocado
Medium salsa to taste (I use about 1/3 of a standard jar)
Salt and pepper
Mrs. Dash
Cajun seasoning (or just cayenne pepper)
2 tablespoons lemon juice (not lime)
1 clove garlic

Mash the avocado and then add the other ingredients. Or, if you have one, add everything to a food processor and blend it. I was pretty skeptical about whether or not a machine could recreate what I'd done for years by hand, but it is pretty delicious.

2) Chanel Lipstick and its spokeswoman


Vanessa Paradis, j'adore.

Specifically, Rouge Double Intensite. Lasts all day without feeling like lipstick that lasts all day. I got some as a present and immediately went out and bought two more shades.

3) Kate Spade Summer


I've used this bag other places than the beach and it's a little embarassing but so fucking bright and stripey I don't even care.

4) Curvy girls in editorial spreads

Hayley Morley, Angelica Gray and Andrea Koolen, all plus-size models, were just featured in
Glass Magazine and they prove that protruding ribs and collarbones are not prerequisites for a high fashion spread. The place of the plus-size industry in the fashion world is a complicated issue that I haven't quite formulated an opinion on yet, but this feels like a good, beautiful thing so there you go.

Also in this same vein is this video: