Some Awesome For Your Weekend

These luggage tags:

These videos, which cracked me up. Yes, Algernon, work does suck dick for Skittles sometimes.


This bar, which I went to with a friend last night. They have $5 Royal Kirs, which are delicious and champagne mojitos which are enormous.

This website, which sends you perfume samples if you're a commitment-phobe about it like me. Yes, I am a commitment-phobe who's marrying her high school sweetheart. Weird.

You know what is not awesome at all? Needles. Needles are ungodly creations that have no place in modern medicine.

I had to have some blood taken in order to register for school and as I walked into the lab I'd fully calmed myself down until the woman doing the terrible deed said, "wow, these are a lot of vials. This is going to be a heck of a drawing!"

Note to any and all lab technicians: this is not an acceptable statement to make ever at all.

So, she got underway and I thought about puppies and beaches and it was over in no time. And I thought about how silly it was that I'd made such a fuss. And then I thought about the floor which seemed to be coming towards me rather fast. How odd. And suddenly the woman who did the terrible deed was saying things like, "stay with me, girlie," and "I'm just going to prop you here while I get you some water," and, "stop trying to lie on the floor."

I felt so bad for her all by herself in the lab having to lean me against a headrest while she ran and got water and wondered if I was going to throw up (I didn't) or go unconscious again (I did).

As someone who is very uncomfortable with people who aren't in control of their bodily fluids I sympathized. And she was so nice, pouring water down my throat and assuring me that I didn't have to be embarrassed because it happened all the time (I'm not sure I believe her).

Finally, I started to feel better. "Ah, you're coming back to me," she said. 

"Dear God, I hope not," I said.

Some Unwanted Advice for Your Wednesday

Some Unwanted Advice for Your Wednesday

from a 99-year old woman, so shut up and read.

I stole these from Advanced Style, which is pretty much the best thing ever. These are 10 tips from 98-year-old Rose, and below them are 10 new tips from her at age 99.

1. Find your perfect perfume, people will remember you by your scent. Rose is known for her Pauline Trigere fragrance. She tells her granddaughter "I'll give you anything in the world, but I won't give you my perfume."
2. Belts and Beads. Rose believes that a belt or unique strand of beads can really make an outfit and they don't have to cost a fortune.
3. Take care of your feet and wear good shoes, but when you are going out for a night on the town, "fashion comes before comfort" At 98, Rose goes out every single night!
4. "Walking is a must: it's better than doctors or medicine"
5. No need to use expensive moisturizers, Rose swears by Oil of Olay which she has been using for decades.
6. "Inexpensive lipstick is as good as expensive, only better!" Rose has tried every brand from Chanel to Lauder and has recently been turned on to Revlon.
7. Be Unique: "If Everyone is wearing it, then its not for me"
8. "Be smart enough to know what you don't know"
9. If you have trouble reading the dinner menu, Lorgnettes are a fashionable and elegant alternative to reading glasses. How much do I want a lorgnette now? So much. 
10. "Be Happy, enjoy what you have at every moment!"

Image courtesy of Advanced Style

1. Stay Organized: "if you take a toothpick out, or a pair of pantyhose, or a hundred dollar bill, always put it back where you found it because if you add up the the time you spent looking for it later, that's a waste of time."

2."Always tell the truth because if you don't you'll have to think of another lie."

3."Be More, appear Less."

4."Always take the phone off the hook when you're in the bath."

5."Make friends with the maitre'd.'"

6."Never loan, Never borrow."

7."Never keep anyone waiting. Always be 15 minutes early."

8."Never look back. Always look forward."

9."Don't be afraid to tell your age, that's silly. Be proud of your age."
10."Don't frequent a restaurant where they don't crumb the table."

  I may have to tattoo these on my ass. Or just write them on my mirror like a normal human being. Whatever.

Some Unwanted Advice For Your Wednesday

Some Unwanted Advice for Your Wednesday

And, again, not from me!

Out of the Ordinary Beauty Tips That Work

1) Powder Your Roots 
If your hairline starts to look greasy, dig up a big, fluffy makeup brush, and dip it into a pot of loose powder. Tap it once on the back of your hand to remove the excess, then dust it over your roots. It mops up oil and blends into your strands, so no one will know you didn’t shower.

2) Scent Strands with Perfume
Spray a light shot of fragrance into the bristles. Run it through strands from roots to ends and your hair will smell amazing throughout the day.

3) Cure Calluses with Vaseline
Slather on the petroleum jelly, and put on socks before bed to dissolve tough calluses overnight. 

Author's Note: Tyra likes it too...

 

4) Spot-Treat Smudges
Dip a cotton swab in eye-makeup remover, and trace it along your lids to erase any slipups or goofs when there’s no time to redo your whole look. 

Author's Note: here's a tip I learned from my favorite makeup artist. Dust some transparent powder under your eyes before doing your eye makeup. Then, when you're done, brush it off with a large brush. It will take away any powder or stray flecks without messing up your foundation. 

5) Fix a Flushed Face
If you turn red and stay that way after exercising (like seriously red for hours, even though you’re healthy and hydrated), take an antihistamine like Benadryl when you leave the gym to reduce redness.

6) Soften Your Bod with Avocado
Take a ripe avocado, remove the pit and skin, and mash it up in a bowl. Slather it all over your body, let it sit for 20 minutes, then rinse off. Your skin will be sooo soft — avocado is a natural moisturizer.

7) Super-Glue a Nail
Instead of tearing off your nail when it breaks, put a tiny dab of Super Glue over the split, and paint a generous layer of your favorite nailpolish shade over it. Go for an opaque option (like red, purple, or coral) to camouflage and seal the crack.

8) Use Makeup Remover on Stubborn Lipstick
Don’t try to rub off red lipstick (which makes it smear across your mouth — not so sexy). Instead, take a cotton ball or tissue, dip it in makeup remover, and just dab to erase the dark stain fast.

9) Tame Brows with Eye Cream
Pat any kind of rich eye cream over brows to help keep them hydrated and banish those icky white specks that look like dandruff.

10) Buff with Baking Soda
If you find yourself streaking (not glowing) after applying self-tanner, put some baking soda on a loofah, and scrub away the stripes.

11) Brush on Hair Spray
For the final step of your blow-dry, spray hair spray onto your brush, and run it through strands from roots to tips. This way, your do isn’t so plastered and stiff but still holds volume and shine.

12) Boost Body Lotion with Baby Oil
If you’re craving shiny legs that aren’t greasy, blend a drop of baby oil into your normal body lotion for extra luster.

13) Dab Essential Oil on a Hangnail
Put on apricot oil, the kind found in health-food stores, to protect cuticles from turning rough and raggedy.
Author's Note: you can also use Vitamin E oil, which will help reduce the appearance of scars.

14) Quell a Cold Sore with Cream
When a cold sore is coming on, dab a bit of thick moisturizer, like Aquaphor, over it to prevent it from getting worse.

15) Freeze Your Eyeliner
If the tip of your eyeliner pencil crumbles and smears on your lids, store the liner in the freezer for 15 minutes before use so the tip is firm and goes across your skin smoothly.

16) Use Toothpaste on a Zit
Use just a pea-size amount. Let sit for 15 minutes to absorb the oil so the pimple won’t get more clogged, then wash off.

17) Heat Up Your Curler
If you have stick-straight lashes, try blasting your metal eyelash curler with a hair dryer for a couple seconds to heat it up so your lashes bend more easily. And use a waterproof mascara. The formula dries faster than other mascaras, so it sets the curl more effectively.

18) Use Soap Without Water
You know those fancy bars that are actually too pretty to use? Toss them in your underwear or tee-shirt drawers to make your skin smell delicious.

19) Groom Brows with a Toothbrush
Mist an (unused!) toothbrush or eyebrow comb with hair spray to help flatten and tame unruly brows.

20) Put Diaper-Rash Cream on Dry Spots
Slather on a thick layer of diaper-rash cream to heal cracked elbows and feet.

21) Lubricate Your Lashes
An easy way to draw attention to your eyes without putting on a pile of makeup is to comb petroleum jelly lightly through the tips of eyelashes to get a sexy, subtle sparkle.

22) Steamroll Flyaways
Spray on hair spray, then roll the can over your strands. The round bottle fits the curved shape of your head, locks in the spray, and flattens out frizz. 

Author's Note: I'm not totally sure I get this one. 

23) Spike Lotion with Bronzer
If you don’t have time to book a self-tanning session, mix a few pumps of body bronzer with regular hand lotion and pat it on your legs for a gradual dose of sexy, beachy color.

24) Air-Dry Your Curls
Let your hair dry indoors before going out in the cold. The curls will be really bouncy and piecey-perfect.

Author's Note: for extra curl, spritz with salt water. Gives you a beachy look without the sand or crunch.

25) Press a Tea Bag on Splotches
If your skin is sensitive or just looking irritated and puffy for some reason, steep a bag of green tea for a minute or two, let it cool down, and dab it over your face. The antioxidants in the tea take down inflammation.

26) Shave with Conditioner
Ran out of shaving cream? Do double duty by coating your stems with a thick hair conditioner. It softens the hair so it’s easier to shave off and makes legs feel amazingly silky.

27) Amp Shine with Vinegar
Mix one part vinegar with four parts carbonated water, and soak dry hair. Leave on for 15 minutes before you shampoo to lock in shine and combat dullness.

28) Exfoliate Your Pits
If your underarms start to look dry and flaky, an easy trick is to exfoliate them with a gentle face scrub to keep that skin pretty when going sleeveless.

29) Customize Your Body Lotion
Instead of shelling out for an expensive perfumed body product, you can make your own by pouring a few drops of fragrance into any scent-free lotion. Rub it on-the scent will last for hours.

Author's note: I recommend Cetaphil. It's cheap and crazy effective. Also, if you're nice to your dermatologist they'll give you some. Sometimes.

30) Make an Egg-White Mask
To revive tired, dull skin without hitting the spa, try this: crack open an egg in a bowl, separate the yolk, and use the egg whites to make a face mask. The proteins help to heal and restore skin’s moisture. Leave it on for five minutes, and rinse off.

Author's note: for oily skin, do the same with egg yolk. Be careful not to get any in your mouth, though, because they are super gross.

32) Dry Sensitive Skin with T.P.
Instead of drying your face with a scratchy towel, pat with toilet paper- it’s ultrasoft on delicate skin (and bums!).

(Source: jemappellenancy, via frieda555)

Ode to Perfume*

 A woman's perfume tells more 

about her than her handwriting.

-Christian Dior

Perfume, for me, is about more than the scent. I love the whole experience: the big, glassy counters at the department store**, searching for just the right scent, the beautiful bottles that are brought home and displayed.

Images courtesy of This is Glamorous

I was taught early by my mother that finding that perfect scent is a deeply personal, unique journey. We take it very. seriously. For example, the women in my family almost all wear the perennial classic, Chanel No. 5.

And it smells different on all of them. On my mother, it is powdery and crisp. On my grandmother, it is earthy and warm. On me, it is God awful. Really just smells very bad. So, I've been searching. At the tender age of 14, I settled on Fragile, by Jean Paul Gaulthier. I had saved up my pennies for years in anticipation of a trip to Harrod's in London where I bought my first fancy bra, lipstick and this beautiful bottle:

I've loved it ever since, but they recently stopped making it in the states (and I neglected to buy it in Paris, which I am seriously regretting), so I've been forced to look elsewhere. Now, when I buy perfume, I smell dozens of options before settling on two, one for each wrist. Then, I leave them both on all day before buying one. In other words, I am a salesgirl's worst nightmare. But it means I haven't yet bought a perfume that I didn't love. Like this one:

And this one, by Guerlain which, to be honest, I'm not totally sure how to pronounce. It's called Cuir Beluga (Beluga Leather) and has notes of leather and tobacco and just a hint of orange and I think it might be Love.

But we'll see. A lifetime leaves a lot of room for perfume.


*See what I did there? Fucking clever.
**Although I could do without manically agressive salespeople waving sample papers in my face and signing me up for credit cards.