In Which the Author Does Not Quote Kanye

As I went to write this blog entry about the week of April 16th, I struggled to find an appropriate metaphor. Some people might wax poetic about silver linings and the good to be found in evil, blah blah blah.  The first thing I thought of was a Kanye quote* but that was a little weird. So I contemplated "crap sundae with the best possible cherry" or "shit storm with a fantastic calm". The point is, a lot of bad things happened that were eclipsed by something so awesome that, despite everything, I'll look back fondly on that week for the rest of my life.

Obviously, there was the bombing at the Boston Marathon. This was unacfuckingceptable. Frightening, terrible and unacceptable. Marathon Monday is for two things: running like a crazy person** and celebrating those crazy bastards with day drinking.  I think Colbert said it best:

Then there was my birthday. This was actually not a huge deal. There was the typical angst I've experienced every year on my birthday since I was 7 (I was a real hoot and a half as a kid), one glass of wine (I'm on a damn diet) and some lovely music and friends. There was also lots of looking at pictures of Helen Mirren to reassure myself about the onslaught of aging.

Then came the vomiting. Yup. The vomiting. Two and a half days of it. This was unacceptable.

Finally, I felt ready for solid food. So I ate an apple.

Then came the swelling of the face. Yup. Swollen face. Apparently, I am allergic to apples. As I stared into the mirror, watching my face contort with a morbid fascination, I may have said, "but it wath thuppothed to be my birthhhday!" (my tongue swelled up too).

But here's the thing: it wasn't really supposed to be my birthday. Not this year. There was a much more important birthday being had. That of my perfect, beautiful niece. Meet Calliope:

It's amazing what a birth can do. I mean, how crazy is it that this squishy ball of baby is going to learn and experience everything it is to be a human? Seeing her, I care a lot less about getting older and dying. I mean, I may be gone, but how great is it that she'll still be there to remember me? Babies really do bring all the hope and joy and crap that Louis Armstrong likes to sing about.

And yes, I've already ordered baby's first turban. And no, I'm not kidding. I'm Auntie Mame, bitch.




*Specifically this one: "this week's been a bad massage, I need a happy ending." Ok, so technically I quoted Kanye there, but I think you'll agree I'm still showing real restraint and growth. 
**Did you know that many marathon runners cross the finish line with bloody nipples? BLOODY NIPPLES. 

Holiday Hangover Prevention & Cures

Hangover Prevention Cures

Drinking to excess is bad. We all know that. It's painful, high in calories and often high in embarrassment as well. That said, the holidays are upon us and holidays bring parties, families, and stress. Throw it all together and you've got a super fantastic recipe for a hangover. Therefore I consider it my civic duty to share several tactics I've learned over the years to avoid and cure them. To be honest, I don't drink very much anymore* (despite my penchant for shiny barware, exciting bars and cocktail recipes) so several of these come straight from a doctor friend of mine who manages to have a vibrant social life despite working all the damn time, so they're tried and true.

Everyone knows the things you're supposed to do to prevent a hangover. Don't drink too much (duh), eat a meal heavy in carbs AND protein beforehand, and drink plenty of water. These work, but aren't always feasible. Although drinking a large glass of water with every drink is a really good and easy idea. So the rest of this blog entry is dedicated to those nights when prevention got thrown out with the twists and cherry stems.

1) Go out and buy a B vitamin supplement. Liquid is best, sublingual is ok, but regular tablets do next to nothing.

2) Before you go out, put the following items by your bedside or in your purse: an enormous glass of water, the vitamin B, 2 aspirin and a cracker or similiar small food item (preferably one that your cat won't eat. Which, if you are me, excludes popcorn, fruit and sourdough bread because Rue is a big, old freak).

3) When you wake up at the crack of dawn, in that weird in-between state where you're still drunk but already cranky, drink all of the water, then refill the glass for later. Eat the cracker, and then take the aspirin and the vitamin B. It's important to do it in that order because B vitamins can cause headaches if they hit an empty stomach. Go back to sleep.

That on its own will do wonders. But when you wake up later on, pinch one nostril closed, and take several deep, fast breaths into the other one. Do it on the other side. Then massage the sides of your nose and the front of your eye sockets, where your eyebrows are. Optional: nasal spray.

Everyone has their perfect hangover food, and it varies widely. The Boy, for example, starts every hungover morning by declaring, "living legend needs eggs." I tend to require carbs by the approximate truckload. I always say go with your gut when it comes to food, but here is a nutritionally perfect hangover breakfast, full of things that will replenish your system and prevent almost all of the terrible symptoms, so eat as many of these ingredients as is possible/pleasant.

Banana
Hearty white toast with butter and marmite
Scrambled eggs, salted
Optional: vegetable juice, wheatgrass shots, EmergenC, orange Gatorade.

I don't know why orange Gatorade is better than the other kinds, but the hangover Gods have spoken and it is so.


I hope this helps, and had at least a few tricks that were new to you. Did I miss any? Do you have any rituals that you swear by? Go forth and be merry. Hell, be overly merry if you want to.

*although if you remind me that I wrote those words when January 2nd rolls around I'll throw a leftover martini in your face.