The Spray Tan Did It

I recently found myself at 9:30pm on a Friday in a spray tan booth. 2-5 minutes later, I found myself with a spray tan*.

That's when everything changed.

Suddenly men wearing Ed Hardy shirts find me attractive. When I wear pink it isn't ironic or edgy: it's cute.

And that's not all.


I think it's seeped into my brain. I order things like appletinis*. I say stupid things and then blame it on my new, blonde hair. I giggle. Not snort, not guffaw. Giggle.

Also my feet look like the lovechild of an oompa loompa and a hobbit and I freaking hate it.



*Not by choice, it was for a job. Sidenote: how weird is my life that it includes mandatory spray tans? That at the end of every fiscal year I go to my accountant with a bundle of receipts and ask if spray tans can be a write-off. 
**I love appletinis.