Merry Christmas, Zombies

Sooo... I have an obsession that I've kept seperate from this blog, because it's weird and a little gross. It also brings out a side of me that, I'm told, is less than pleasant. I can't remember when it started, but a long, long time ago I became...obsessed with zombies. Too obsessed to even be embarrassed. I have a plan, a compound, and a list of people who can come.

At any rate, if you don't watch the Walking Dead, you should probably skip this post. Sorry. If you're not obsessed with zombies, you should probably skip it too. Or get obsessed.

Things I Learned from Walking Dead

1) Binoculars are an essential part of every survival kit. Obviously, I know someone has to be on watch at all times, but I hadn't thought of binoculars.

2) Crossbow is a super, extra, awesome weapon that I should probably learn how to use right now. I thought I thought of every weapon: machete, shotgun, baseball bat, shovel, ax (although use caution, because they get stuck). But the crossbow is almost perfect: quiet but deadly. If they make ones that reload automatically I'm so sold.

3) Horses are good, if only because zombies will eat them instead of you if you play your cards right*. I am very pro-car in apocolyptic situations, but I am now open-minded to horses.

4) The tiny nerdy/geeky** ones are worthwhile. Obviously, tech skills and quick minds are important skills to have, but before watching Walking Dead I'm not sure I'd let this guy on the compound.

Image courtesy of AMC.com

5) Personalities matter. Despite my belief that the zombie apocolypse is a feasible event, I'm pretty optimistic. I figured that if someone had useful life skills, any personality quirks would be dealt with or eradicated. New rule: no racists, homophobes, sociopaths or people who really, really annoy me. That's a good rule for life, actually.

Things I Would Teach (the characters)
of Walking Dead

1) Unless you actually see the body, do not assume your spouse is dead. Therefore, do not have sex with someone else. And if they are dead, try and wait at least a month before having sex with his best friend. That's another good rule for life.

2) Don't be squeamish about shooting kids. Zombies are zombies are smaller, faster zombies. Nip that shit in the bud.

3) Tin cans are good alarms in a pinch. Razor wire with bells over a ditch are better. Do the work, reap the rewards. Also, dogs are good too.

4) STAY AWAY FROM CITIES. If you are surviving in the styx, stay there. If you're in the city, leave.

5) When you're surrounded by flesh eating zombies in a ransacked city, for the love of God, take shit. It's not looting, you weiners, it's taking shit that you need or even want.

*I love horses. I would never advocate eating a horse unless the only other option was being eaten myself.
**I know there is a difference between these words that is all-important and it's super insulting to confuse a nerd with a geek. Whatever.